Thursday, September 13, 2007

Troy Hickman's America

OK, so the voting is in, and apparently the majority of you folks, at least those that took the time to vote, would prefer me as El Presidente. Coming in second was Fred Thompson, and the man with the most politically-unfortunate middle name in the world, Barack Hussein Obama.

While I'm thrilled and honored, ya know why more folks voted for me than the others? Three reasons:

(1) It's my blog.
(2) You couldn't bring yourself to vote for men like Al Gore or Hillary Clinton.

(3) You don't know much about my politics. And that's the true reason. It's what we like to call the "Colin Powell Factor." You don't know much about my beliefs, just like Thompson and Obama, because we haven't gotten down the nitty-gritty of the campaign and real debates yet. The most attractive candidate is always the one most nebulous, as it allows you to impose whatever values you want on him. Sort of a "devil you don't know over the one you do" deal.

But I can put an end to that right now, by telling you a little about what Troy Hickman's America looks like, and it goes a li'l sumpin' like dis:

* Street musicians will no longer be able to simply panhandle, and will instead have to supply sexual gratification before anyone will give them so much as a dime. Then we'll take the money-donator out and shoot him, because Troy Hickman's America doesn't need anyone who would allow some filthy folksinger to #$%& his %$#&.

* Actors will no longer be allowed to spout off about political issues when they know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about them, and instead will have to get back to doing what they do best: reading the lines that someone else wrote for them, and lying professionally.

* If someone is caught ending an argument with "whatever," he/she will have a steel rod inserted in their poopchute, and famed puppeteer Shari Lewis will make them do an interpretive dance entitled "Oh, God, This Hurts Like A Bastard!"

* We'll be putting an end to this Global Warming scam, and instead will focus on a true problem: Global Tomfoolery! There will be no more horseplay in the hallways of America, young man!

* Mount Rushmore will be altered to show the faces of Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Will Eisner, and strangely, Teddy Roosevelt.

* Anyone involved with dogfighting will have their genitals gnawed off by a rabid, mange-covered, flea-and-tick-infested Barbra Streisand.
More later as new and innovative
ideas come to me, most of them involving carnival food.


Anonymous said...

Im beginning to regret voting for you...see, there I go again, voting with my heart and not my head....idiot Liberal.

..furthermore, you revealed just about everything necessary to guess your political leanings El Presidente!

Troy Hickman said...

What do you care? You're up there in Canadiaville, where everything is still Alan Thicke and socialism!

Jeremy Corff said...

I will never look at Lambchop the same way again.

NuclearToast said...

*moves to Canada, eh*

Timpysan said...

Well crap.. can I recast my vote? Now that I know your politics, I'll choose you over Fred Thompson.

And can I be a member of your cabinet? I'd like to smoke some street musicians.

Or whatever. I kid, I kid! Troy, hey man... what's with the steel rod? What the?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!