Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Due to my advanced case of egomania, I regularly do web searches for my name, looking for reviews of things I've written, pinheads bathmouthing me, or embarrassing videos that might crop up (Chris Hanson, I swear I thought the goat was over 18!).

Sometimes the most interesting stuff can be found when you do an IMAGE search, though. Here are a few of the pics I found under my name:

This fella here is Troy Hickman, the mayor of Hayes, Kansas. I guess he's what I would be like had I gone into politics. I wonder what his party affiliation is. Is he a good mayor? Would I be treated like an honored guest if I went to Hayes, Kansas? The world may never know.

And what about THIS guy? Is he another Troy Hickman? I hope not. He seems pretty grim. I'm imagining him as someone working in a warehouse, and then one day he comes home and finds the missus is cheating on him with their son's school crossing guard, so he blows them both away, then swallows the barrel of the shotgun himself, but he messes it up, and lives the rest of his life with half a head...a medical miracle of sorts, if it weren't so @#$% disgusting...

What about THIS poindexter? People think I'm a nerd now; imagine if I'd grown up to be this guy. He's probably a State Farm Insurance agent who also serves as the treasurer of his church (United Methodist, more than likely; this guy has tasted more than his share of casseroles). Is he another Troy Hickman? I somehow get the feeling he's more of a Kenneth Maxwell, though his wife calls him "Kenny" when she's feeling frisky and wants to feel the fury of "Li'l Kenny."

This comic panel would bother me tremendously if I didn't know it was from Tyim Court's terrific Narcoleptic Man (featuring "May I Take Your Disorder?" by yours truly). I wouldn't want people to think it was a sequential art depiction of my lovelife or something.

This creeptastic fellow is apparently from some sort of sex offender registry, though thankfully his name is NOT Troy Hickman. It makes me wonder why his pic showed up under my name, though. Maybe he took advantage of me when I was just a wee nipper, and I've been suppressing it all these years? Cool beans! I'm officially f-ed up, which means I can blame all my actions on my troubled past, and maybe even get a handicapped sticker for my car! Man, this guy might as well have "sex offender" tattooed on his damned forehead. He has "Hanson-bait" written all over him.

And who the hell are THESE people? Are they all named Troy Hickman? Has some sort of club formed somewhere? Am I the only one who pictures these folks having a wild orgy after the office closes at 5:00pm? Come on, admit it; you're imagining each of these ladies giving some dutch door action to the two uber-studs on the left and right.

I guess when it comes down to it, the important thing to remember is that I am the one, the only, the original Troy Hickman, master of all he surveys. Amen. Hallelujah. Sweet sassy molassey.


NuclearToast said...

Mrs. Hickman! Troy's been googlin' himself again!

Troy Hickman said...