Friday, November 30, 2007

La Casa de Hickman

Our living room has become the sanctuary for everything in the universe that walks, crawls, teleports, or lunges from its jet-propelled iron lung. Within those four walls, you'll find pretty much an interplanetary petting zoo of creatures, critters, rejects, DNA spills, and holiday elementals. Let me introduce you to just a few of the Living Room Gang:

Christmas Tree Guy (aka CTG, aka Arthur "Bushy" Thunderpants) - Christmas Tree Guy is the "glue" of the Living Room Gang, and so beloved in all our hearts. He was originally a demon from hell (along with his sister, American Idol's Melinda Doolittle), but one day Santa Claus came and rescued him, taking him to the North Pole to help with Christmas. Eventually CTG came to live with us, where he amuses us with his whimsical songs and dances. CTG always keeps a jelly bean and a nut under his hat in case he gets hungry (hence his song "Don't you wish you had jelly beans and nuts" to the tune of the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me"). When he was in hell, he ate Garvin, but we got that monkey off his back (Garvin is a food they give you in Hell; it's highly addictive, so that you won't try to escape). Recently CTG disappeared for a few months, and when he returned, we learned he'd been off helping Santa battle Satan and Insanity Claus in an epic confrontation. CTG is an amazing entity, and it's really impossible to look at him and not smile. He's brightened up a lot of gray days for us.

Valentine's Day Guy (aka "VDG," aka "Chester Q. 'Nurple' Gobstopper," aka "Malibu Pete) - Chester is an old friend of Christmas Tree Guy, and a fellow holiday elemental. He was in the recent war fighting alongside CTG, and showed up at our doorstep, saying that CTG had told him to stop by if he was ever in the neighborhood. He's been staying with us ever since. Chester is also a singer and dancer, and he and CTG will often do duets. Chester came to us with a long time drinking problem. He found himself drinking 3 or 4 very large Malibus every day, and was rarely sober. After an intervention by the Living Room Gang, Chester got on the wagon, and has been sober for over a month now.

El Jefe (aka "The Boss") - El Jefe is the most legendary luchadore of all time. He specializes in fighting monsters such as the Aztec Mummy, the wrestling robot, the amazon women (yeah, I know, but HE considers them monsters), and other perils from south of the border. El Jefe has a great love for American soda pop, and will drink voluminous amounts if allowed. El Jefe is very proud, and if he feels you've insulted him, he will often say "I chop at your neck, senor."

Junior (aka "Berjusa") - Junior is...well, he's a baby. But that doesn't stop him. Junior's favorite thing to do is kick you in the groin (or as he puts it, "right in the nutz," with an extreme umlaut over the "u" in "nutz"), then follow it up with the dreaded "T-Bag Combo Meal," in which he crotches you in the face with glee. Despite all this, Junior is still just a baby, and can be heard uttering phrases like "support my head," and, if caught doing something he shouldn't, "I didn't know; I'm just a baby." Junior has taken to wearing a overly-large t-shirt with a choo-choo on front (which he calls "the Pain Train") and a cape on his back proclaiming him a "Future Whopper Eater."

The Testiculoids - These three aliens, Nutty, Balsam, and Scrote-zilla, are from the planet Testicula. When they came to earth, a mistake in navigation trapped them in a claw machine at a miniature golf course for a while, until we won them their freedom. They initially rebelled and went about a devious plan to take over the world, but eventually they decided they were just as happy in our living room watching TV. For a while they were at odds with Junior who, of course, likes to kick nuts, and when you factor in that these guys are from the planet Testicula, well...

Dog with a Chicken on His Back - These guys came back with me from one of my trips to Vancouver. I really couldn't say no because...well, look at 'em. It's a dog with a chicken on his back. So far we've been able to discern the chicken's name is Rooster Cogburn, but we don't know for sure about the dog. In my mind I've been calling him Lucky Ned Pupper.

More later, including Roscoe, Lt. Extreme, Boss Hogg, and the rest!


NuclearToast said...

I imagine that Rooster Cogburn either sounds like The Duke, or Steve Irwin.

Troy Hickman said...

Mainly he goes "bawk bawk"...

Erin Palette said...

You frighten me, Troy.

You frighten me GREATLY.

Snorii said...

Where can I get my own CTG? Don't tell me where he eats Garvin.