Thursday, December 6, 2007

Four Poster Bad

Today we launch a new feature here at SUETO (sweet-o?) called "Four Poster Bad," in which I show you...uh...four movie...uh, posters...that are bad. If you buy the premise, you'll buy the bit.

The first one here is from that classic bit of 80s dreck, The Buddy System. I don't remember the plot, exactly, thought I think it had something to do with a truant officer who goes after a kid and somehow gets romantically involved with his single mom. Ya gotta love Hollywood. Or, maybe hate it. Anyway, this poster is notable for its giant faces of stars Richard Dreyfuss and Susan Sarandon, about to liplock each other. The most interesting aspect for me, though, is not the three inch tall child trapped between their respective craniums, but the true sexlessness of the way the two celebs are depicted. Maybe they should've called this "The Eunuch System."

I can just imagine the jackass who crafted this poster saying "Now, that'll put asses in seats! Everybody will be saying 'Will they ever get to finish that kiss' or 'Why is that tiny child trying to thwart true romance?' Everyone from eight to eighty will be lined up at the theaters!"

And then came Bronson. In this one, he plays a guy who
goes around killing people for revenge. It was truly a breakout role for him, unlike his other cinematic performances as ballet dancers and male models. Ya gotta love Bronson, especially in his later days. He was able to take a face like a plate of beef jerky and make relative stardom out of it. Here's a bit of the cutting edge dialog:

Rhiana Hidalgo: What are you going to do?
Holland: I'm gonna rattle his cage. And when he sticks his neck out, I'll nail him.

I love a metaphor salad. Anyway, my favorite part of the poster is the tagline under the title, which reads "It's 1984, and Bronson's never been hotter!" Ya gotta love a movie poster that actually charts its actors' star power. I'd love to see one that says "It's 1995, and Justine Bateman can't BUY a leading role!"

I just wish Chuck had lived long enough to make "Charles Bronson's Wuthering Heights"...

There's so much you could say about the Rick Springfield vehicle "Hard to Hold." I think the text on the poster says it all, though:

He's a rock star on a roll.

She's more into traditional music.

He wants the spotlight.

She wants the quiet life.

He lives for freedom and excitement.

She wants a commitment.

They're as different as two people could be...and as much in love.


Italian director Lucio Fulci has directed some pretty cool films (such as the classic Zombi), but this flick, originally entitled "Manhattan Baby" (try selling that title to people stalking the video store looking for bloody horror) was not exactly a high point in his career. Even worse is the movie poster, which...well, hell, let's examine this. It's a woman standing in front of a pyramid in a see-through nightie. Well, ok, I guess some people really cover a distance when they sleepwalk, sure. But then around her are these spectral figures (who sort of have the faces of bulldogs) that don't seem to want to harm her so much as...well...they just look constipated. Is there a shortage of bran cereal in the netherworld?

I love the tagline "It's looking at you...from Hell!" Ooooh, scary. Hey, if all it can do from Hell is look at me, whoopty-freakin-doo. Heck, if I knew something was watching me from the underworld, I'd have a hard time not mooning 'em. Looky here, Satan-spawn! It's Hickman's big white hinder!

Anyway, that's it for now. Tune in next time for more...Four Poster Bad!


NuclearToast said...

Wow, a four-poster bad with two blondes in it! <checks off list>

Snorii said...

"Looky here, Satan-spawn! It's Hickman's big white hinder!"


*secretly wonders if he has heard this before...* :P